Terrified

Right now, in my life, I am at a crossroads... again. Back in December I quit my job but stayed until we could find someone we all felt good about. This was an extremely hard decision because I loved my job and I loved my student workers even more; but the hours were wearing me down and I didn't like the person I was in my job (tired, snappy, hating the things I used to love, etc.), as well as living my job.

The beginning of May I moved home, after finally finding my replacement, to my parents and started a mini job answering phones at a car dealership while also preparing to go on a humanitarian trip to Thailand. I decided I didn't want to just jump into another job, I wanted to take my time and figure out exactly what I wanted to do next. Plus, I've always wanted to do a humanitarian trip, so why not go on one during a time when I actually have the time to go.

I've been terrified thinking about what I want to do next and all of the ideas seem like a big risk or a huge leap. I then started to think about all of the things I have done in my life that have terrified me to try for but I somehow found the courage to go for it and I have never regretted one of them. Even though I'm still terrified and still have no idea what I really want to do; this was a good reminder that I shouldn't let being terrified stop me from trying. What's the worst that will happen? It won't work out and I'll try another path? Everything I have done so far in my life whether it worked out or not, I learned something from it and wouldn't want to trade the experience. Yeah, I'm getting older and it feels like I should just pick one safe path and stick with it, but then when you think of a life-span of 100 years... I'm still a baby.

It's funny how fear takes over sometimes. I once was listening to two of my student workers talking to each other, yes... I would sometimes eaves drop, and one was talking about how he probably wouldn't do something because of all these reasons that really attributed to fear and the other replied by saying,

"Are you really going to let fear control and dominate that much?"

I loved it so much, I wrote it down. It's true, too many times I let fear or the idea of failure deter me from trying and I shouldn't. I'm going to miss learning from them.

When I got accepted to this humanitarian trip, fear started to settle in and I questioned if I should even be going... maybe I didn't want to go?! I told my sister about this and she told me the same thing she tells my 11-year-old niece, her daughter, who suffers from anxiety, "Being scared is part of life, but you can't let it hold you back. Doing it, even though you're scared, is what helps you learn and grow and become better and be happy."

Here are some of the things in my life that I was terrified to even try, but I did, and I have never regretted it:

Student Government

In junior high I watched the student body officers and saw all the opportunities they had to do. The thing that interested me the most were the events they got to plan; assemblies and dances and more. I was hesitant if I should even run; I wasn't in the "cool" group, I was shy, but I also wanted to try. I ran to be an SBO and lost but the next week was class officer elections and I decided to try again and... I made it! 9th grade class vice president. The following year I ran for Sophomore class office and made it. The next year I ran for Junior class office and lost. Then came time for elections for my Senior year this was my last chance. As I filled out the SBO ballot with my name on it, I looked at the other names and was convinced I had lost; there were so many names who were backed by talent or popularity or both. To my surprise I won and embarked on such a hard but fun Senior year experience.

Some failures and some wins, some hard times and some great times; I was terrified to run for student government and then it became a huge part in wrapping up my grade school career. I learned how much I love to plan and organize events (and even more, learned how to plan and organize them), and made some great friends.

The A-Team

My sophomore year of college I started with a life bucket list and one of the ones was to apply for the A-Team, new student orientation staff at USU. I had spent my Freshman year not getting involved, just going to class, and watching movies with a boyfriend. It was time to make some changes and do something meaningful. I thought this would be a one year thing, if I made it, and then I would try another thing the next year. I made it! The first year I loved it for the students I got to help as they prepared to start school but then two student coordinators (leaders on the A-Team) graduated and my boss called and encouraged me to apply for one of the positions. This took me out of my comfort zone, I had spent my first year just blending in and not trying to stand out, how could I be a leader? Once again, I decided to just try and I soon became a student coordinator for two more years and I absolutely loved it. I loved getting to see the business side of the student orientation, doing left brain work in the office, but most of all encouraging my teammates and teaching them how to best help new students. Of course, with all things, it came with it's challenges but it is what made my college years their best.

I learned leadership on the A-Team; how to work as a team and to utilize everyone's strengths to make the team perfect as a group. I learned to love my education and learned that I wanted to help others learn to love to learn. I learned customer service... oh man did I learn customer service (you really loose hope in humanity when you are working in customer service).And I wasn't just on a team... they were my college family.

Backpacking Through Peru

In 2013 I had just quit a job and decided to travel for the rest of the year before starting another job. A friend of mine has always had a dream to go to Peru and was looking for a buddy to go with her. I said yes... why not? This trip took me completely out of my comfort zone and it, once again, terrified me but it also will always be one my favorite life experiences. It was my first time visiting a 3rd world country, I didn't know the language (often times my friend would be speaking to someone about an excursion or a place to stay in Spanish and then she would turn to me and ask, "Are you ok with that?" Hahaha, well since I didn't understand the conversation, as long as you didn't sell me into slavery, I'm in), I embraced being dirty for days in a row, I learned how to take a cold shower, it was my first time staying in hostels, and the list continues on.

Just a three week experience and I learned a lot. I learned how to let go, forget myself, and really see the places you are in. I learned so much from my friend and admired so many of her great qualities on this trip; her humility, fearlessness, selflessness, joy in the moment, and truly being grateful for the things we saw or did. I learned that I truly do have SO much in my life and am blessed in SO many ways. I also learned living simply and making life less chaotic is important.
Peru

There are more, but this is getting WAY too long.

I needed this reminder and wanted to share it with you. Stop letting fear take control. Learn to do things even if you are scared. No regrets or at least give yourself the opportunities for regrets. Terrified... bring it on!